3 Reasons Why Self-Improvement Doesn’t Work (and How to Fix it)

The personal development niche is bigger than ever, with an estimated 10 million self-help books sold every year. But despite its popularity few people actually make real lasting changes in their lives.

There are many traps, pitfalls, and setbacks along the way. I have experienced many of these traps myself. I spent years feeling frustrated by the lack of results. 

Feeling trapped and upset by the lack of progress, I decided to do anything it would take to improve my life circumstances. Through trail and error, and great mentors I finally started to see real change in my life.

Along the way, I identified three main problems that held me back. In this article I will tell you about how I overcame these problems and give some practical steps the get you moving forward. 

Problem #1: Theory without Action

Kicking off with the most insidious problems of them all, and that is being stuck in your head.

Reading is a great activity. It sure beats mindlessly watching Netflix. However, there is a big problem with reading self-help books. 

You might feel as if you are making progress when you read books. You feel as if you possess knowledge that the average person doesn’t have. This can build a false sense of confidence. 

What you know only plays a small part in the bigger picture. It’s how you apply that knowledge that matters. 

In fact, I would go as far as to say, real-world feedback after taking action is far more valuable than anything you could ever learn from a book. 

Use books as an opportunity to learn from other people. What worked for them, and what didn't work?

Remember, true wisdom comes from taking action and learning from your mistakes. Read, but only do so with the intent to apply it in the real world.

Challenge

If you are reading or are about start reading a self-help book, choose a chapter. Then distill down what is being said and translate it into an action. 

If this requires multiple action steps, write down each step you need to take, and in what order. Then, complete the first action as soon as possible (preferably straight away).

Do not continue reading the book until you have completed the action steps. 

Problem #2: Unrealistic Expectations 

We live in a world where instant gratification is promised everywhere. The truth is, the best things in life requires consistent work over a long period of time. 

Overnight successes we are often told about, are the results of years, sometimes decades, of hard work. 

This paints a misleading picture of reality. Yes, there are people that make it big very quickly. But these people are an abnormality, and usually, their success is not very long-lasting. 

Think of it like building a skyscraper. If the foundation isn’t solid, the whole structure will come crashing down as more floors are being added. 

See self-improvement as a marathon, not a sprint to the finish line. 

Challenge

Pick an aspect of your life you want to improve. Write down WHY you want to improve this area of your life. 

If you have a strong why you will be able to battle through any resistance or doubt you will encounter. 

This challenge will tie into the last challenge, but for now, just pick one area of your life as your main focus. 

Problem #3: Lack of Focus

Lack of focus is a modern-day problem most of us are dealing with in one way or another. 

In the context of self-improvement, it’s the desire to improve everything at once. Dating, making money, improving fitness, or getting a better job. Why only choose to improve in one or two areas of life? 

We only have 24 hours a day. On top of that, we have limited amounts of energy, willpower, and focus to use daily.

Therefore, you must prioritise what aspects of life you want to improve. Only focus on three major aspects of your life at a time. These could be, health, career, and social life for example. 

The three major categories can then be subdivided into three subcategories. 

For example, health can be subdivided into eating a healthy diet, going to the gym regularly, and running in the morning.

Challenge 

Pick three main areas of your life you wish to work on. Then subdivide these three main categories into three subcategories. 

Remember, if you are not consistent and change categories every few months, you will not see any progress. 

As with challenge two, write down why you want to improve in these areas. Write them down and place them where you can see your note daily.

Another quick tip that might be useful: 

If you struggle to develop new habits, accountability is a great way of forcing you to take action. 

For example, if you want to go to the gym, get a personal trainer. It makes it harder to skip a gym session knowing someone is waiting for you at the gym.

Summary

Wanting to improve your life is a great and worthy goal. However, making real lasting changes is hard and takes time.

You see results by taking action and learning from real-life feedback, not just from reading. 

Lasting results don't happen by accident. Make a plan, execute and make it happen. If you don’t see results, adjust and repeat the process.

What’s your experience with self-improvement? What were your biggest setbacks and how did you overcome them?

10 Rules to Win Any Negotiation

To get what you want you must be able to negotiate. It's often a skill that is overlooked and is rarely taught. Yet it's one of the fundamental skills you need to succeed in business along with being able to close sales.

There are no hard rules when negotiating, but here are ten commandments you need to follow to give you the upper hand in any negotiation. 

The 10 Commandments of Negotiation

1. Know When to Stop

Don't negotiate for negotiation's sake. Don't let pride and egos get in the way of making a good deal. 

Know when to stop and get out. Don't bicker over small details that don't matter in the bigger picture. 

In some cultures negotiation is part of everyday life. A price is given, then negotiation is expected. Let’s say you are buying a t-shirt and the asking price is 15 dollars. You think this is too expensive and offer to pay 7 dollars. The vendor counter with 13 dollars, and you then counted with 8 dollars.

At some point, you will be met in the middle. You offer 9,5 dollars and the vendor offers the T-shirt for 10 dollars. At this point, it’s not so much about the money but rather about pride and ego.

Who will give in first? You don’t want to look bad so you walk away empty-handed. Instead, you could have had the t-shirt discounted at 5 dollars, which would have been a great deal if you only would have taken the vendor’s final offer.

2. Have a Pleasing Personality

A whole book could be written on this one point, so we are only going to touch on some key aspects of what makes a personality pleasing. 

a) Have a nice warm welcoming smile

b) Be agreeable. Use the word yes and discard words like no, but, and however.

c) Be mindful of your tone of voice. 33% of communication is through tone of voice, while only 8% make up the words that are being spoken. 

d) Find commonality. We like people that are like us. Find common ground before starting any negotiation. 

e) Have a positive mental attitude. Nobody likes working with a negative person. Always approach business and people with a can-do attitude.

3. Keep a Record of Information

Collecting and recording information when negotiating is essential. Whoever keeps the most information usually wins. 

Keep records of what has been said and store all information about the other side in an organized and systematic way.

A great way to keep information could be a little black book that you carry with you. You could also set up a digital “black book” like Microsoft OneNote or Notion.

The benefit of using a digital system is the amount of information you can enter. Nowadays these softwares have mobile apps, meaning you can access them anywhere.

4. Define Your Goals

We often underestimate how powerful our minds are. One of the reasons we don't realize the full power of our mind is that we rarely clearly state exactly what we want. Stating what you want in written form is incredibly powerful. 

Know exactly what you are looking for so you don't end up with things you don't want or need.

An example would be if you go to a market. You might go there to get one thing, but you might end up leaving with a bunch of other things you don’t need thanks to the sales skill of the vendor. 

In this case, it might not be a big deal, but if you are negotiating bigger purchases, this can have severe financial consequences later on. 

5. Do Your Research

Gain leverage by gathering adequate information before the negotiation. 80% of your time should be spent researching and gathering information, while the remaining 20% should be used to make an offer and close the deal.

Understand that people are driven by self-interest. Conduct research to uncover what is most likely motivating the other side.

For example, ask yourself if the other side is gaining something by selling a product. Do they have a stake in the company that is selling the product?

6. Always Present an Offer of Greater Value

Don't make your offer only about money. What other intangible value can you offer? Can you solve a problem for the other side? Will there be more future business opportunities? 

A great way of adding extra value to a proposition is to throw in bonuses that are of no great cost to you but can be of value to the other side.

Business is a value exchange. Money is just a by-product of that value exchange. Therefore, focus more on the intangibles, like building a great relationship. Put your best foot forward and be a pleasant person to work with. 

7. Limit the Number of Concessions You Give

In negotiation, there is a metric called the rate of concession. A person with a higher rate of concession usually ends up losing the negotiation. 

Do not give away concessions easily as it will compromise your value proposal. When you give concessions, give something small and ask for something (or multiple things) in return. 

For example, don’t be the first to lower the price of the things you are selling. This will make it seem less valuable. Always be hesitant to lower your price and only do so if they can give you something in return.

8. Take What You Want, Give What They Need

There are wants and then there are needs. Usually, the other side will start the negotiation by stating their wants. Try to peel back the layers of what is being said and find out what they need instead. 

Aim to give them what they need while you take what you want. Whoever gets both their needs and wants met wins the negotiation. 

For example, if someone is selling their property they might only need 80 000 dollars to break even or walk away with a small profit, but they want 100 000 dollars. 

 Ask questions and try to get an understanding of the situation so you only give what they need in the end.

9. Use Non-Linear Time to Your Advantage

Slow down, speed up, take a break or go backward as you see fit. Be unpredictable and manipulate time to your advantage. When they want to go fast, you go slow. When they want to go slow, you go fast.

Putting pressure with limited time usually evoke an emotional response, not a logical one, in most people. Don't be afraid to put things on hold during a deadlock and resume negotiations later. 

Time is one of your most valuable assets. By controlling time you will also appear more powerful. Manipulate time as you see fit.

10. Understand Human Nature and Irrationality 

Us humans like to fancy ourselves as rational creatures. Nothing could be further from the truth. Ask anyone in sales or marketing. 

To become good at negotiating you must understand the irrationality of human nature. Speak to people's emotions, not their logic when negotiating. 

For example, if you are negotiating the price of a product don’t appeal to the features of the product. Talk about how owning the product would make them FEEL and how others will perceive them once they have obtained the product instead.

Here's a quick recap:

1. Know When to Stop

2. Have a Pleasing Personality

3. Keep a Record of Information

4. Define Your Goals

5. Do Your Research

6. Always Present an Offer of Greater Value

7. Limit the Number of Concessions You Give

8. Take What You Want, Give What They Need

9. Use Non-Linear Time to Your Advantage

10. Understand Human Nature and Irrationality

Summary

Knowing how to negotiate is not only a business skill but a life skill. The 10 commandments of negotiation are a great starting point for anyone who wishes to master the art of negotiation. 

Credit goes to Stefan Aarnio and his book X: Negotiation. If you want to dive deeper into the topic of negotiation I would highly recommend his book.

Do you agree with these 10 commandments? What do you think is important when negotiating?